My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
