Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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