Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
