i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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