drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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