That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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