$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
