So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
