I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
