that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
