I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
