Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
