I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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