1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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