no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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