sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
