I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We are all done wearing pants today
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
