Do you still have your period?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
