Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
