I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
