He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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