Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
