I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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