Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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