Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
