Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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