I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
