So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
