The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
