Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
