I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
