mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
