one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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