Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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