Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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