my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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