i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
