If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
