i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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