Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
