my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
