Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
