I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
