I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
