hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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