guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
