are you so shy because you have an std?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
