I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
