OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
