dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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