Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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